thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
