go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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