Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
