I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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