Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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