No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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