great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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