Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm too high and old for this...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
