I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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