My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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