She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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