I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
