took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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