Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
