final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize