Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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