when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
