He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
