the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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