Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
