I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize