you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Randomize
