I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
