So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
