I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
