i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
what day is it and did you see me today?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
