you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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