apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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