why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We had sex on a dog bed..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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