after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
