Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
