look no pants
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
