I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
