my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
