sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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