Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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