he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
