I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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