I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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