Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
