You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
