Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
