Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
