the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
