I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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