I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
