Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
