True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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