I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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