my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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