i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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