someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
