just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
