I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
