Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
