Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
