Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize