I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
