WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
