Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
