You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
