I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
