The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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