I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
