I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
sarcasm needs its own font
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
